


if you know love you best prepare to grieve

by dameofpowellestate



Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Henry misses his dad, M/M, POV Henry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:21:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26532769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dameofpowellestate/pseuds/dameofpowellestate
Summary: He sees it, there at the edges of his vision… waiting in his peripheral, biding it's time before it completely swallows him whole. The grief.As soon as fall settles over the city Henry can't help but think about the loss of his father.
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor
Comments: 15
Kudos: 53





	if you know love you best prepare to grieve

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't beta'd so I'm sure it's a nightmare. Read at your own risk. Title from Leave It Alone by Hayley Williams.

The curtains flap quietly as the cool breeze seeps in through the window Alex insists they keep cracked until it starts snowing outside, which hopefully is still a _few_ months away. 

They both enjoy the bedroom being on the cooler side, their bodies much more likely to stay entwined through the night if neither of them get hot. Alex generates enough heat to keep them both warm, his warm skin that makes it nearly impossible to get up most mornings.

Henry stares at the dark blue curtains, every few seconds he'll get a glimpse of the top of the tree that sits buried into the sidewalk outside. 

Today, his heart feels heavy. 

He heaves a sigh as quietly as he can in an attempt to alleviate the tightness that's starting to settle into his chest, but it's not quiet enough. Alex flips over to gather Henry in his arms, his bare warm skin an immediate comfort.

"I know baby, it's okay," Alex mumbles into the hair at the back of Henry's head as he nuzzles against him.

Henry laces his fingers with Alex's, their joined hands resting against Henry's stomach.

He can feel it. The chill in the air as the first bunch of leaves start to turn… as fall finally settles over the city. It makes him crave the safety of summer, the distractions that come with holidays at the beach and the sight of Alex in his tiny trunks. 

He sees it, there at the edges of his vision… waiting in his peripheral, biding it's time before it completely swallows him whole. The grief. 

He has his dark days throughout the year, something will trigger it, the longing he still feels for his dad. The ache he associates with wanting the safety of the arms of the man that raised him, the man that saw him for who he was and just _loved_ him.

There are always things he wishes he could tell his dad too. To be able to phone him about something Bea said, or some ridiculous decision Phillip made… how in love he is with Alex. 

Sometimes the weight of the loss of his father sits heavy on him like a cloak. It's not entirely dissimilar to how heavy he imagines the weight of the country must feel. It seems that big to him. 

But there's something about the smell of fall, of wet pavement and the crunch of dead leaves that takes him back to sterile white halls, the poor excuse for coffee he'd undoubtedly choked down gallons of as he stayed awake at his father's side. The feel of the scratchy cotton sheets under his hand where it clutched desperately to his dad's.

Some years are considerably worse than others and from what he can tell, there's no way to distinguish what makes them different… he's no clue what his reaction to the anniversary is going to be until it's upon him. 

He feels the heaviness of this year though, can tell it's going to open up that place inside him that takes him right back to being the young boy that lost his dad. The boy with the mom that went absent, the brother that went cold… the sister that went wild.

Maybe if he'd been able to grieve properly, not had to keep the stuff upper lip like Gran and Philip, not to bury it down with the rest of his truths maybe then he wouldn't still hurt so much.

Then again, he's always felt everything so deeply.

The coming out and the space to finally be who he is has helped though. Not having every ounce of himself bottled up gives the darkness a little bit more space to move in his heart and his head. It's not as all consuming and he doesn't always crumple under the weight of it all anymore because he _is_ considerably lighter in some ways.

And God, he's got Alex now too. Alex with his bright smile, deep understanding, and big heart. Alex, who joins Henry under the heavy cloak of his grief, willingly takes on some of the weight.

He always holds him on these chilly autumn mornings, both of them still tucked under their heaviest duvet with their bodies wrapped together not knowing where one of them ends and the other begins. Alex whispers comforting words in his ear, calls him baby, and runs his fingers across almost every square inch of his body… not to arouse but to ground him, to love him. It reminds him he's still here, they're still here. In this world together.

Alex who's doing just that right now.

And it helps.

_He_ helps.

Henry takes another deep breath, unsurprised when it comes out a bit shakier than the last had. 

"I miss him," he says softly, easily, and he knows Alex knows. He doesn't need to say anything else because Alex _knows_ him. Fucking loves him. 

"I know sweetheart and it's okay. I'll make you some tea and we'll call Bea?" Alex says, clearly awake now as his tone is light and soothing.

Henry turns in Alex's arms and presses a kiss to his forehead before wrapping his arms around Alex, holding him as tightly as he's being held. "Yeah, in a bit. This is helping."

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't going to post this but then... Why not?
> 
> This book is great for many reasons but I found so much freedom in the words Casey wrote about Henry's grief. 
> 
> Grief is normal, feeling the feels is good but make sure you've got at least one person you can talk to about it. 💜


End file.
